Take it into Consideration

totally forgot about this thing

Tue, 22 May 2007 15:45:08 GMT

It's funny the things we take for granted. Like, last night, I was laying in Nathan's bed with him, the two dogs, and his brother (yeah, that's a lot of people in one lousy bed) and this dog, Melee--the cutest fucking dog on earth--is just licking my face. Over and over and over, making weird noises, and just being all-around cute/annoying. Then I thought to myself "Wow, this dog loves me unconditionally." I take that for granted. A dog. It made me think about how many other things we all take for granted, like being able to breathe, or walk, or talk, or see, or hear, or smell. Being able to smile. Being able to take a hot shower. Being able to eat a full meal every day. I feel so gluttonous looking around my room and realizing how many things I actually have. How fortunate I really am. I'm sitting in my room, on a nice computer, listening to my iPod on my iHome. Are any of those things even necessary? Don't get me wrong, I love it all, and it is what I'm used to, but that's the thing: I'm USED TO IT. What about the people who will never get the opportunity to be used to these luxuries? It's spectacular the amount of materialism in America. I'm not comdemning it; I'm a product, too, ya know. It's just fucked up. One of our biggest most prominent problem (this is at least true of all the people I know) is that gas prices are so goddamn high and god forbid we have to stop ourselves from driving around places constantly. It's just becoming hard for me to live with myself with all of these "wants" rather than "needs". I don't need that new purse, I want it, but I don't need it. But I'll still get it. Treating yourself is not a bad thing. Sometimes we all need to treat outselves. But should it be a constant thing?

Really, I don't know what that did, or proved, or even affected. In reality, I just felt like writing and for some reason that was the first thing that came to mind.

i think i'm losing my mind

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 17:32:50 GMT

Hello LJ land.
i have been having the strangest inkling lately to write in this damned thing. why? no idea. there are some positive effects though. i'm able to practice expression. maybe if i ramble enough i can get an idea for a novel. i know it sounds ridiculous--a 19 year old writing a novel. but i figure, starting early will only help me develop it more. so far, not so much luck. i've started about 4. all different plotlines, but only about 3 chapters in. then i blank, or i freak, or i just think it's not good enough and it gets trashed. i mean of course i get all this encouragement but i haven't found that great push. i haven't found that missing piece. i think i know what it is though. i need to stop dwindling in the past, stop worrying about everything that's going on, and make myself something great. my mom keeps telling me "kill 'em with success" and the more i accept that philosophy, the more positive i feel.

so school is going well. the only thing is, my majors. i mean i'm doing great in my classes, but what am i going to do with an english and philosophy major? eventually teaching would be sweet but i want to be able to have a profession. so now i'm minoring in communications. being a free-lance writer would be applicable. but...there's always a fucking but...i'm not sure how promising all of this is. i guess if i could actually convince myself that i am a good writer things would be a lot easier.

ciao for now.

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 14:57:44 GMT

I'm not sure if I like growing up so much anymore. I'm feeling overwhelmed with future preparations. I changed my major, and now I just hope I can do something meaningful with it. I'm now dual majoring in English and Philosophy and minoring in Communication Arts. How will this work out? Beats me. I hope to be able to get my masters in english at least. i want to teach a college course. as for philosophy, i hope it just helps me out in the long run with writing and such. if i can become a freelance writer, or a journalist, or columnist, or something just a little meaningful. a novelist or a poet would make me happiest, but i don't know if i have it in me.
i've been on this health kick. i don't think i've ever been so conscious of my body in a long time. i'm jam-packed with vitamins and i can't miss a work out. i have for the past couple days because of my toe, and it sucks. i feel insanely more tired.
i miss my long hair. it seems that everyone hates it short lol. well not hates it, just looks at me like oh my god what the hell?! it's discouraging, but it's hair. it grows back. at least i didn't lose a nose or something outrageous like that. i'm not a crab that can regenerate.
i was so unhappy at state that now i can't even figure out why. i'm back in the same cycle of wanting to get out of downriver. i think it was just downriver followed me there. if i move, i want to be free. i don't think i can ever be free though. it's probably my fault. i reach for old friendships and all it does is fuck me over in the end. i just get more depressed when things just don't work out. i miss my old life sometimes. i was so depressed, but i had good friends. i had lots of friends, and things to do, and it just seems as though i had things more together. i know this isn't the case. i definitely am healthier and more together now, so why do i keep looking back? is there something missing? the grass is always greener, i suppose.

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:10:17 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8R6Axq4yXA

go there and then watch part 2 and rate them as high as you can!!!! thanks maaaan

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 01:20:00 GMT

my birthday is on tuesday.
that's right.

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 19:10:02 GMT

school starts tomorrow.
allergies suck.
my mom thinks i'm doing blow? yeah. funny.
i can now have a fauxhawk
i'm so glad school starts tomorrow.
i'm now a licensed bartender. whoop.

the way to go

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 02:57:43 GMT

my description of love.

i, alyssa, suck at love. suck at relationships. by all means, this is totally my fault. but i am convinced that love does not exist. i have become convinced. then i change my mind.

so what is it? is it...chemicals? or is it just pure infatuation? maybe it's the way you feel with them. maybe it's the way they make you feel. maybe it's if they treat you good. nah, fuck all that.

you fight. you hate. you cheat. you lie. you do all of this to see how far love will go. yeah, it goes pretty damn far. pushing it to the extremes pretty much does nothing but go "nan-a nan-a boo-boo" and makes it all that much stronger. i will never fall out of love when i have it. i haven't yet.

i guess my stupid, obnoxious, shallow and empty argument concludes at this: you just know. you just know that this person is the person you were made for. the person that was made for you. you hate them. you hate their smells. but you just can't live without them. you can't breathe right. you can't think right. you can't live right knowing that they're not there. you just know that if you keep fighting or keep believing that it's always going to end up right. you know what they're thinking. you know what they're feeling. sometimes you know that if you don't rip their fucking head off right then and there, they might think you're sick. just when you think all is lost, and you're ready again to call it quits, there's that stupid sparkle. you laugh at each other and piss each other off to the end that you know that you are just perfect for each other. then you kiss and feel that energy again. of course, all of this lasts about an hour before you're ready to kill each other again, but, hey, you hate that motherfucker anyway. so if all that is love, alright. so i guess love exists. the only love that doesn't exist is the carefree hey-we-never-have-to-work-on-this love. or the "we love each other so much we never fight." that's just fake. when you are in love, ohhhh you show them exactly who you are. you know the ugliest details about each other. but you just can't live without them--even if they do have a crooked nose.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 15:48:41 GMT

so summer is coming to an end, and for some reason, i'm oddly happy. once i'm totally preoccupied with school i will be in such a better mood all the time. it will probably help that i won't be drinking as much either.
kind of crazy.

oh well.
life goes on.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 01:06:01 GMT

allergies suck!!!!!

yessss.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 23:35:41 GMT

i never thought that after putting in hours upon hours of effort into a friendship that something so fucking miniscule could tear it apart. that someone so fucking heartless could make it crumble. after years of bullshit, after years of staying up all night to calm each other down, after years and years of love and devotion. is this a joke? because it really isn't funny.

i've decided that once i earn enough money, which probably won't be until my mid-20s or so, that i am moving to some foreign country. i don't know where, but i am going to find somewhere. somewhere beautiful. and then i am going to open a tiki bar. i will live in a shack. i don't care. and i am just going to write and live and drink on the beach for the rest of my life.

i guess i'm bringing this back

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 19:23:09 GMT

i think i'm losing my mind.
yeah. i'm pretty sure it's gone.

"i'm over it"

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 14:52:24 GMT

today is kind of a rough day for me.
strange.
"i'm over it." how many times can you say that before you start to believe it? but then, when you finally do, you realize you're not. but that's okay because you drink yourself to oblivion, keep making stupid decisions, and keep playing your mind games. it's only because you're not happy. but that's not a good excuse. then the worst part comes. you're flooded. you're flooded with everything you have worked so hard to forget. was it really that long ago? it doesn't seem like it. wasn't it just yesterday? i could have swore...
you're drowning in your own deceits. your own mistakes. your own worthless fate. your vicious cycle that you've tried for five long years to break out of. then you start to hear things. the laughter, the phone is even ringing. you could have swore...
then come the tears. not from your eyes, yet, that's not until later. but from those around you. those who care who you cast to the side like objects. those who love you, unconditionally. it's all just a repeat. you think you were in love. you think you found the one. you kissed. you laughed. what happened? why are you retracing your steps. you think you're finally over it. you could have swore you were finally over it...
then your ducts give way. they're broken dams. the flood is too much. and you can scream at the top of your lungs. no one can hear you. you're screamed too many times. you're the girl who cried "love". you're the girl who never got over it. you're the girl who never can be happy. you're the girl that never finds light.

then finally you remember. you have a pulse. you're not dead yet. you have a bed. you have all your appendages. you just don't have him. people live with one kidney, with one lung, why can't you live with one half? you can do it. all you need is you.

"i'm over it."

heeeey

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 15:25:50 GMT

why hello everyone
i hope everyone has been good lately. i have been fabulous. nathan and i are very happy, and things couldn't be better. i'm back at steak n shake, and as much as i hate it, i'm kind of happy there. a paradox, i know. u of m sucks pretty bad, but i think i'm going to try and transfer to ann arbor, depending. i'm looking at apartments and such. finally time to grow up. so we'll see. it all depends on jobs, and nathan, and all that stuff. so we'll see.
i get to go to flooorrriiiddaaaa march 1st. it's going to be pretty interesting. nathan and i are going to be on the island with no transportation off. so basically we'll more than likely be at the bar 24/7, and baking on the beach.
some stuff has been kind of rough lately, but i've learned that i can't let that get me done. shit happens, it's part of life, and i'm a better person because of it. there's people that i've gotten rid of in my life and i think it's a big part of how happy i am. there was so much dragging me down. i have my friends, family, health, and myself.

take care, darlings!

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 19:29:42 GMT

so i left msu and basically butchered the reason i left it for.
wow i just amaze myself at how i rock at life so hard. seriously. my decisions are so fucking good.

so i hope to do well this semester in school, maybe i'll stay there through my sophomore year and hopefully transfer to u of m ann arbor, maybe go back to state. who knows. there's not much left for me here, and it's my fault, so i mean, i can't really say much. i just hate wondering where i'm going to end up. i feel like i'm flailing already, and it's been one day. i guess this is part of life though. you make mistakes over and over and over until you finally stop falling into the same hole. sometimes, idiots like me, never learn. maybe they'll live in that hole forever, hopefully not, but the world has a funny way of making the assholes always stay assholes and karma coming to bite them in the ass in one way or another. so happy new year everyone, 2006 is just off to a fabulous start. maybe this is good though. at least it's a fresh start, no matter how painful of a fresh start it may be. it's how life works. you fall in love and out of love so much. someone said to me that there's no such thing as a "first love" because if you really love someone, you'll be with them forever. i'm having a hard time even believing in love. i felt like i was in love with this person, yet found ways to break him to pieces numerous times. maybe i'm just a heartless prototype that was never reproduced. or maybe i wasn't in love? or maybe i just didn't care enough about myself. if i would have cared about myself, i wouldn't have hurt either person because that would hurt me and make me do things that i know in my heart won't help.

if things are meant to be, does it matter how many times that the people mess up? if things keep breaking, are they worth putting back together? if something so dear, so fragile, keeps being knocked over in your home, do you put it away for special occassions? or maybe admire it, and never touch it again? or do you keep it, keep it there, and no matter how many times it breaks, and how ugly it make look to everyone else, you know in your heart that the beauty lies in the memories and it's still beautiful to you. maybe the beauty that radiates from you will infect others. maybe this precious thing that seems to keep breaking, and falling apart, just needs the right type of glue to make it shine again.

love is so fragile. and i don't even know what i was feeling if i can hurt the person i "loved" this much, this many times. over and over. i just don't know.

oh shiiitt

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 13:18:10 GMT

So basically, I leave MSU Friday...for good. I get to be back home, see all my beautiful friends on a constant basis, and be in love with life again. I am stoked.

hi lewis
love you

hmm

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 18:25:10 GMT

soooo i basically cannot wait to leave this hellhole formally known as Michigan State University. I can't wait to come home. I hate it up here. and it's really flippin' cold.
end transmission.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 16:36:03 GMT

HI!!!

:)

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 21:10:06 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOBBIE SETSER!!!!!!!

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 04:36:13 GMT

so i'm in love. and, happier than ever. and moving back home next semester, going to u of m dearborn and me and jonzy are going to just be the coolest motherfuckers to walk around dearborn together.

i love life, once again.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 01:54:53 GMT

www.myspace.com/alyssabreanne

yeah i caved in, so go add me bitches.

hm, sum of the weekend

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 20:55:26 GMT

friday, i threw up my life all day.
saturday, i fought with two of my best friends, almost hit one, and now hate my life.
sunday, i see things about someone who tells me how much they love me that totally refute it. and now, once again, i want nothing to do with him.

yayyyyyyy!!!!!!

but on the upside of things, i'm doing awesome in school, i pretty much could give a fuck less about the above mentioned people because i've finally learned if i'm nothing to you, you're nothing to me. i have good friends who obviously i should put more effort into because those seem to be the people who won't hurt me like this. so i love you, you all know who you are, i'll kiss ya next time i see you. muah.

hi.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 20:36:56 GMT

i hate males.

the end.

p.s. i think they hate me, too.

p.p.s. i threw up a lot today. i think i'm getting ill. fun!

hm, popcorn sounds good.

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 03:12:48 GMT

FUCK LOVE!!!!

i'm going to cmu next weekend and i get to see the extraordinary bobbie setser. oh yeah, i'm stoked. i love her. annnnnnd fuck love, again.

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 19:30:32 GMT

ugggghhhhhh

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 18:54:23 GMT

forget you.